I Think I Have Done It!

I have been quit for almost a year now.  I have not updated here in so long.  I just could not continually write the word fuck every two words.

I am still struggling.  Yep, imagine that!  I do not feel like I have successfully quit as of yet but I have made it this far and I have no intention of going through all that shit again. 

I have eaten myself into oblivion.  I have gained so much weight that I now have other health issues that I need to deal with. 

I ended back up in counseling due to not being very easy to get along with after quitting.  The same old shit occurred.  I think I wanted a divorce about 100 times and I still think my kids do not like the new me.  I don't even know who I am anymore.  How the hell does smoking affect you that much?  Shame on me for ever starting!

I am going to try and get this weight off without taking smoking back up. 
My journey is here

While I am quietly proud of myself.  I could never take even a puff of another ciggy.  I have days where I secretly miss the coffee and ciggy time out.

My name is Caz and I will always be an addict!

Week 9

The days are going by so quickly and I often have to remind myself how long it has been since I quit smoking.   My first real attempt lasted for 8 months and I gave up quitting because of all the issues I am currently facing.  The anger, the depression, the loneliness and the feelings of not being "me".   I quit because I have a fear of what smoking can or may do to me.  These fears are of course still very real, but I fight with the addict in me so many times a day that I fear the addict will win. The craving of cigarettes is fading and my deepest battles are the psychological battles. As I hit week 9 I felt with sadness that I will be feeling like this for a while. I had hoped that the depression would have lifted a little and maybe, just maybe, I would not think about smoking for at least a day!  There is always hope for next week.  To be truly free from this addiction, this depression and this self abuse from over eating, is something I will continually strive each day for!  I will beat this and become the person I know I can, I just have to believe in myself and my abilities! (and stop bloody eating those chocolate muffins!)

Week 8

Some days are diamonds and some days are.... well just pure shitty! My weight is out of control and I still feel like I have no idea who I am anymore. I gave up seeing the  Dr Focus (Counsellor), I am going back to GP to get something else sorted. This cannot keep going on like this. I feel like I am crazy!!

I still feel like some dark cloud has encased me and I cannot escape or breathe.  I have once again reached out onto more forums trying to seek someone, anyone, who can relate to how I feel.  I seriously feel like I am alone in this damn world and no one understands how I feel.  This makes it even harder as I feel like everything I am going through is so damn abnormal.   I just need to suck it up!

Week 7

I am doing better.  How strange it feels to say that.  I am not doing really well, but better.  I have been researching a lot and trying different avenues in regards to my depression and quitting smoking.  I am not sure that I can say that any one thing is working at the moment, but something has definitely changed.  The dark clouds are lifting a little and I actually smiled today.  It felt..........odd, free even.

I am trying to fix up the many mistakes I have made with my family.  I feel that a lot of what has been said and done will take a long time to mend and heal.  I am not proud of this at all.  My heart breaks just typing about it.
I do though want to spend some time talking about my weight gain.  I have now gained back all my previously lost weight.  When I quit smoking 2 years ago for 8 months, I gained 15 kilos back.  This time I have gained another 15 kilos, so I have now gained back my original 30 kilos I lost 3 years ago.

Yes I can lose the weight, but you know what, I just don't have the motivation like I did back then.  It may return but for now, I am still disappointed and angry at myself.  It was a hard slog back then, add 3 more years to my age and a few others health problems along the way and it is hard to not feel defeated before I even begin.  I will get this shit sorted.  But for today, I feel better.  Not to bad with the cravings and I even kept my mouth shut for the most of day!  Win Win all round.

Not Coping

I am not sure where to start.  I have been back to see Dr Focus and he has given me some more insight into my anger etc.  Do I like what I hear, not entirely but I will leave that for another post.  For now I just want to sit and just be...............

I feel lost.  My husband and I are not talking and I really feel like my marriage is over.  My children and I are fighting all the time and I just cannot seem to smile anymore.  I have never been in a deep depression before but I believe I am there right now.  I cry most of the day and night.  I cannot think straight and I just eat and eat and the circle begins again.

I have been back to my GP and he has suggested some alternative therapy such as increasing exercise and getting a new hobby.  Why the fuck does he think this will just go away.  I feel like some dark cloud has encased me and I cannot escape or breathe.  I have reached out onto more forums trying to seek someone, anyone, who can relate to how I feel.  I feel like I am suffering this alone and that the way I feel is wrong or rare in some way.  I don't know.  I feel like giving up and just letting what will be, be.

I do have a confession to make though.  I did have a puff of a ciggy.  It tasted like crap and I did not smoke it but I just wanted to see if I felt any different.  Nothing happened except a huge feeling of guilt from doing it.  Shit happens and I have not gone back to smoking and in some way, it helped clear up a lingering question.  If anyone is reading this I am sure they are thinking I just need to get the fuck over shit and move on.  I would if I could.  I do this shit for fun you see.  I have nothing better to do than sit here in misery and attend my own pity party all day.  Nice thought though! 

Week 6 and Getting Bigger

I cannot find other "Quit Smoking" blogs.  Do people quit and smash their computers in anger or are they all in prison serving time for violently smacking someone out?  I am sure many quit with no problems at all but me, well, we can all see how that is turning out.  I am far from feeling normal or my perfect self.  I feel that as the weeks pass, I am slowly seeing my family and people close to me contributing a lot to my self hate and anger.  Maybe just a depressed view, or, maybe not!

My daughter turned 18 last weekend and I went to her Birthday Dinner but did not go out with her night clubbing as she felt that I may "ruin it" for her.  Fair call.  But I do feel that while I am treating people badly, I do have remorse and I am trying to fix it, not so much for my family.

I feel that my family no longer "like" me, I have changed and I feel like I am a stranger in my own skin, let alone a stranger to my family.  I have gone from this in control, positive and loving life individual to this person who is miserable, angry, pessimistic and feeling less than perfect.   I believed I was the perfect wife and mother to my husband and children.  Sure I had downfalls like everyone else but I felt proud of who I was and what I had achieved.  I really believe that smoking gave me a false sense of positivity because without the ciggy's, I feel I cannot function.  I know I can, I just have to learn to change the way I think and do things.  The nicotine cravings are all but gone but I am still fighting the psychological cravings.  My weight is out of control, I have gained back almost all the weight that took me over a year to lose a couple of years ago.  I feel so........ disgusted and ashamed and still so damn angry.

Week 5 Update

Well I have made it to week 5.  Damn!  Everyone is still alive and I am still out of jail.  It cannot get any better.  I am still struggling but I am making headway with why I am so angry all the time.  My psychological addiction to smoking is far stronger than the physical addiction.  It's crazy honestly.

I am still in counselling, next appointment next week.  He is trying to get me to learn "focusing".  Interesting concept but it just isn't happening for me right now.  My marriage is really hitting rock bottom and I honestly feel like I dont care right now.  I just want to get through each day without killing someone and without having a smoke.  Sounds easy right?  I am trying deep breathing, relaxation music, yoga, exercise and keeping busy.  Nothing is working at the moment, I just want to sit and eat and eat and sit and cry all freaking day long.

My weight is now my biggest issue.  I have replaced one addiction with another.  Good grief!  The "hand to mouth" action and that need to be "soothed" is just way to strong right now.  I am constantly putting shit into my mouth and then dive into a deep depression later about not being able to control myself.  Dr Focus (Counsellor) tells me to be "kind" to myself.  I am, I am, so kind in fact that I am spoiling myself with every delicacy known to man.  I need to get an handle on this.  I am not on any meds but some days I feel I should be.  My GP and Dr Focus don't believe they will help, it has to be changes in habits and willpower.  God give me strength for fucks sake!  On a positive note, I did only think about smoking about 50 times today!  WOOT WOOT!  It has been up to 100 times a day, so I feel progress, as little as it is, is happening.