Week 6 and Getting Bigger

I cannot find other "Quit Smoking" blogs.  Do people quit and smash their computers in anger or are they all in prison serving time for violently smacking someone out?  I am sure many quit with no problems at all but me, well, we can all see how that is turning out.  I am far from feeling normal or my perfect self.  I feel that as the weeks pass, I am slowly seeing my family and people close to me contributing a lot to my self hate and anger.  Maybe just a depressed view, or, maybe not!

My daughter turned 18 last weekend and I went to her Birthday Dinner but did not go out with her night clubbing as she felt that I may "ruin it" for her.  Fair call.  But I do feel that while I am treating people badly, I do have remorse and I am trying to fix it, not so much for my family.

I feel that my family no longer "like" me, I have changed and I feel like I am a stranger in my own skin, let alone a stranger to my family.  I have gone from this in control, positive and loving life individual to this person who is miserable, angry, pessimistic and feeling less than perfect.   I believed I was the perfect wife and mother to my husband and children.  Sure I had downfalls like everyone else but I felt proud of who I was and what I had achieved.  I really believe that smoking gave me a false sense of positivity because without the ciggy's, I feel I cannot function.  I know I can, I just have to learn to change the way I think and do things.  The nicotine cravings are all but gone but I am still fighting the psychological cravings.  My weight is out of control, I have gained back almost all the weight that took me over a year to lose a couple of years ago.  I feel so........ disgusted and ashamed and still so damn angry.