Week 5 Update

Well I have made it to week 5.  Damn!  Everyone is still alive and I am still out of jail.  It cannot get any better.  I am still struggling but I am making headway with why I am so angry all the time.  My psychological addiction to smoking is far stronger than the physical addiction.  It's crazy honestly.

I am still in counselling, next appointment next week.  He is trying to get me to learn "focusing".  Interesting concept but it just isn't happening for me right now.  My marriage is really hitting rock bottom and I honestly feel like I dont care right now.  I just want to get through each day without killing someone and without having a smoke.  Sounds easy right?  I am trying deep breathing, relaxation music, yoga, exercise and keeping busy.  Nothing is working at the moment, I just want to sit and eat and eat and sit and cry all freaking day long.

My weight is now my biggest issue.  I have replaced one addiction with another.  Good grief!  The "hand to mouth" action and that need to be "soothed" is just way to strong right now.  I am constantly putting shit into my mouth and then dive into a deep depression later about not being able to control myself.  Dr Focus (Counsellor) tells me to be "kind" to myself.  I am, I am, so kind in fact that I am spoiling myself with every delicacy known to man.  I need to get an handle on this.  I am not on any meds but some days I feel I should be.  My GP and Dr Focus don't believe they will help, it has to be changes in habits and willpower.  God give me strength for fucks sake!  On a positive note, I did only think about smoking about 50 times today!  WOOT WOOT!  It has been up to 100 times a day, so I feel progress, as little as it is, is happening.