Caz Quits Smoking

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27 Jun 2015

Week 4

So I have hit almost a month and......................
Nothing, I am getting worse by the day.  I am ready to take back up smoking, this is just fucking ridiculous.  I am now in counselling due to my anger problems.  My counsellor is trying to tell me that I have serious anger issues due to the fact that I had suffered some kind of childhood trauma that over time I had suppressed.  No shit Sherlock!  Most people have suffered some kind of trauma but I cannot believe that it was that suppressed that it has come out this way.  I am an ugly person, both mentally and physically right now.  I cannot bare to look at myself without getting angry.  I have gained weight and I cannot stand how I have let myself go.

My thought patterns are often ones of pure aggression.  My family and I constantly argue (OK I ARGUE) and it is even getting to the point that my husband cannot even come home due to the anxiety he feels about facing me when he walks through the door.

I have joined a couple of forums for quitting and a couple of weight loss sites.  I just need to get my head around this shit and get motivated.  I really want a ciggy right now!  Damn it.

20 Jun 2015

WTF!!!!! Week 3

Seriously, week 3 and this is driving me crazy.  I am either homicidal or suicidal, it feels like there is no in between.  Where the fuck did I go?  I am serious!  I have no idea who I am anymore.  I feel like something has come inside me and taken over and what ever it is, it is pure evil.

I still cannot think straight, I am eating beyond any humane capacity and my family is falling apart.  All in the name of quitting ciggys!  It is fucking insane!

16 Jun 2015

Wake Up Call

I have been searching for some motivation to keep my quit up.  I found it!  So much so that I am now really concerned about the damage I have already done.

I started smoking at 14.  I began smoking 30 cigarettes a day when I was 20.  I am now 43 and I have smoked every day of my life since 14.  Concerning most definitely.

Anyway if anyone does ever read this blog, take a look at this Video, this should get you thinking twice about taking another drag!  It did me.

13 Jun 2015

2 Weeks Down

Well it is 2 weeks since I had my last cigarette.  I still had high hopes of some kind of euphoric feeling of success.  I still feel numb.  I truly do not know what is going on. My bowels have gone weird, I have constant bloating and I just feel so crappy!

My hubby and I have gone into counselling, I am not sure what to make of all this.  The counsellor is a lovely woman but I really do not think she "gets me".  We talked for an hour and my hubby and I did little interaction, which was fine by me as I still get angry at just the sound of his voice!  Its craziness!

I have been looking around for something to control my eating.  I have now gained 6 kilos, I am so angry, no make that ropable, at how I cannot control my eating.  It seems to be a vicious circle for me right now, to not smoke I eat which apparently "soothes" me, (counsellor's insight).  The councellor informed me that sugars and carbohydrates are often craved by smokers in the first few weeks as it gives a sharp but short euphoric sensation, similar of that to nicotine.

I have signed up for a couple of weight loss sites, I have signed up to support groups to help with my quitting smoking, lets just help it helps in some way!  I need to be more positive about this, I am slowly becoming everything I despise in a person.  Time to make some serious changes.

8 Jun 2015

Where Is Caz?

Hello! Has anyone seen me?  Where the fuck did I go?  Oh wait!  I see her now, how could I have missed that bitch from hell staring back at me in the mirror?  Yes I am having a pity party and all my personalities are invited.  You see, at the moment, I have about 10!  Yes, they vary from the child from hell Caz to the super bitch Caz.  My family are definitely experiencing a new dimension living with me at the moment.

My hubby and I are now thinking of going to Counseling.  We are barely talking now and we both cannot stand to look at one another.  I am angry for no reason lately.  I hate everything and this is NOT me.  I am usually fun loving, happy and positive, where the hell have I gone?  My friends are keeping away from me and I just do not have the patience to deal with anyone.

I have now gained 4 kilos.  So my weight has now gone from 81 kilos to 85!  How the fuck can anyone put on that much weight in 10 days??  Maybe it is my other personalities sneaking out and raiding the fridge!  Who knows, Who cares!  I want to feel normal!

I am going to try and get my shit sorted.  I will get this counseling session underway and try and get my diet under control.  I do feel under all this depressive and aggressive cloud that there is a tiny chance to climb out, I just have to find it.

7 Jun 2015

Week 1 Down

I cannot believe a week has passed.  What a damn week.  Do I feel any better?  No!  Where is this inkling that you are doing the right thing?  I really want to feel at least partially normal.  I honestly do not like who I have become.  My weight is still spiraling out of control and my relationship with my husband is strained.  We barely talk and I am now sleeping down the other end of the house.  The benefits to quitting, at the moment, are no longer making sense to me.  Nothing is.

I am really concerned about my weight.  I have had a problem with my weight from an early age.  I often wonder if I should have gotten my weight under control first then tackled the smoking problem.  So I am now fighting 2 battles instead of 1.  My kids are supportive in their own way but have on a couple of occasions mentioned that I am unbearable to live with right now.

The nicotine cravings are bad, I am having trouble with the psychological addiction more than anything.  I think that is going to be my biggest battle.  It has been previously and I truly believed that I would be able to tackle it better this time.  I am sorely mistaken.  I do not feel "wonderful", I do not even feel "better", I feel numb, I feel lost and I feel angry.

5 Jun 2015

Day 5 of Not Smoking

Ok, I am not coping!  AT ALL!!!  The cravings are supposed to be subsiding but no, they are hanging on like a vengeful bitch!  I am so cranky!  NO, make that I am REALLY CRANKY!  My hubby has decided to quit with me, it just aint happening!  Do I hate him?  YES I do right this moment.  I cannot stand anyone being around me, I even hate myself for gods sake!  Why does this have to be so hard??  I have done cold turkey before but I do not think I have ever felt it this bad and I bloody planned ahead this time.

I am eating like a bitch!  I cannot stop.  I have struggled with my weight for so long and now, WTF, it is just out of control.  I have gained 2 kilos already, at this rate I will be a candidate for a heart attack faster than I was at smoking.  JESUS!!!

I am trying, seriously here, to get over this shit.  I am going to bed, sleep seems to be the only thing that keeps me sane.   I do not want advice, I just want a damn smoke!

4 Jun 2015

Attitude Is Everything

This just may be a story but I am using it as a guide to my attitude as I quit smoking.

If you think you are going to have a bad time with it, you will. If you choose to believe that it doesn't have to be nearly as difficult as we make it, then it won't . After all, attitude is EVERYTHING. Make a good choice today.

Jerry was the kind of guy you love to hate. He was always in a good mood and always had something positive to say. When someone ask him how he was doing, he would reply, "If I were any better, I would be twins!"

He was a unique manager because he had several waiters who had followed him around from restaurant to restaurant. The reason the waiters followed Jerry was because of his attitude. He was a natural motivator. If an employee was having a bad day, Jerry was there telling the employee how to look on the positive side of the situation.

Seeing this style really made me curious, so one day I went up to Jerry and asked him, "I don't get it! You can't be a positive person all of the time. How do you do it?"

Jerry replied, "Each morning I wake up and say to myself, Jerry, you have two choices today. You can choose to be in a good mood or you can choose to be in a bad mood.' I choose to be in a good mood. Each time something bad happens, I can choose to be a victim or I can choose to learn from it. I choose to learn from it. Every time someone comes to me complaining, I can choose to accept their complaining or I can point out the positive side of life. I choose the positive side of life."

"Yeah, right, it's not that easy," I protested.

"Yes it is," Jerry said. "Life is all about choices. When you cut away all the junk, every situation is a choice. You choose how you react to situations. You choose how people will affect your mood. You choose to be in a good or bad mood. The bottom line : It's your choice how you live life."

I reflected on what Jerry said. Soon thereafter, I left the restaurant industry to start my own business.

We lost touch, but I often thought about him when I made a choice about life instead of reacting to it.

Several years later, I heard that Jerry did something you are never supposed to do in a restaurant business: he left the back door open one morning and was held up at gunpoint by three armed robbers. While trying to open the safe, his hand, shaking from nervousness, slipped off the combination.

The robbers panicked and shot him.

Luckily, Jerry was found relatively quickly and rushed to the local trauma center.

After 18 hours of surgery and weeks of intensive care, Jerry was released from the hospital with fragments of the bullets still in his body.

I saw Jerry about six months after the accident. When I asked him how he was, he replied, "If I were any better, I'd be twins. Wanna see my scars?"

I declined to see his wounds, but did ask him what had gone through his mind as the robbery took place.

"The first thing that went through my mind was that I should have locked the back door," Jerry replied. "Then, as I lay on the floor, I remembered that I had two choices: I could choose to live, or I could choose to die. I chose to live."

"Weren't you scared? Did you lose consciousness?" I asked.

Jerry continued, "The paramedics were great. They kept telling me I was going to be fine. But when they wheeled me into the emergency room and I saw the expressions on the faces of the doctors and nurses, I got really scared. In their eyes, I read, 'He's a dead man.' I knew I needed to take action."

"What did you do?" I asked.

"Well, there was a big, burly nurse shouting questions at me," said Jerry. "She asked if I was allergic to anything. 'Yes,' I replied. The doctors and nurses stopped working as they waited for my reply. I took a deep breath and yelled, 'Bullets!' Over their laughter, I told them, 'I am choosing to live. Operate on me as if I am alive, not dead."

Jerry lived thanks to the skill of his doctors, but also because of his amazing attitude. I learned from him that every day we have the choice to live fully.

Attitude, after all, is everything.

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